[Bobby faking a sneeze]
Look.
Here's a few more pictures of a certain yearbook editor's boyfriend.
Look at this one of me with a French fry up my nose.
That's okay, Bobby. I already have your class photo.
That's it?
But I'm a sure bet for class clown. Shouldn't that get me some coverage?
The PTA said we can't do the eighth-grade poll anymore.
What? Why not?
Last year's worst dresser turned out to be really poor.
Class clown was my ticket to immortality.
Now I'm no different from any other kid.
I'm like a Stu Harriet or a Mike Soto.
Actually, Mike is president of the Junior Volunteers Club.
So, in 20 years...
everyone will remember Mike Soto bowling with blind kids.
But Bobby Hill's talking tummy will be long forgotten.
Where's the justice?
Have you seen my duct tape?
Not the shiny silver, but the matte gray?
Hey, that's my old "Landry Lantern."
Dad, do you realize you're in 10 photos...
not counting your class photo?
Yeah. That sounds about right.
Hey, there's Cleave Worthington.
And Don Postley, back when he had all his fingers.
And Dub Taylor.
Boy, he was the best mascot Arlen's ever had. What a wild man.
And all the nicknames we had for him.
Daffy Dub, Rub-a-Dub-Dub.
I guess those were the only two.
Dad, I was thinking of taking some blind kids bowling.
Bobby, that's not funny.
MR. GRANDY: The bake sale was a big success...
raising enough money to buy a new pewter baton for moi.
Give yourselves a big hand.
And hats off to Mike Soto for spearheading that.
That kid's a machine!
Mr. Grandy, you're looking at your next Landry Longhorn.
What makes you think you've got what it takes to wear the horns?
I'm a cutup. I'm a clown. I'll do anything for attention.
Remember?
That's why you kicked me out of chorus.
Tryouts will be after school on Wednesday.
And I want all pep, no filler.
And remember, you'll be performing for a man who's seen a lot of pep in his day.
A lot.
My name is Bobby. I like to party.
And if you don't believe me, watch me shake my body!
'BObby! 43a!“
HANK: That mirror is for practicing golf swings in...
not your prop comedy.
I'm coming up with shtick for the Longhorn auditions.
You're going out for the Landry Longhorn?
So, you're not prancing around the garage at all. You're training.
Yeah.
But I need an angle, a hook...
some kind of boffo gimmick to set me apart.
Well, how about your own set of horns? I bet I could rig something up.
Dad, you would build me a prop?
In this case, Son, yes, I would.
That dang Mike Soto! Where does he find the time?
I'll give him this, he is flexible.
This is really heating up.
Next victim, Bobby Hill.
Would you like Arlen, Fight, Fight, Fight? or...
We are the Landry Men, Fight, Fight, Fight?
Thank you, sir, but I brought my own tape.
Fine.
[Upbeat pop music playing]
Please, hold your applause.
BOBBY: Tonight, Tom Landry Middle School!
- Yup. - Yup.
[Cell phone ringing]
Bill Dauterive.
Hey!
I'm talking on it right now. Yeah.
All right. Talk to you later. Bye.
That was Jimmy.
The guy who sold me the phone.
I did it, Dad! I'm the Longhorn!
Way to go, Bobby. That's great!
Now we're both part of the Arlen football tradition.
Longhorns!
And look at that. It's still got all the rips and tears.
Boy, you can almost hear all those years of McMaynerbury's whuppings!
This calls for a special dinner.
I'm gonna go tell your mother to make us a special dinner.
McMaynerbury whupping.
That's like "whoop, whoop, whoop," right?
No. "Whupping" as in "the big beat down," as in "half-time hammering"...
as in the "McMaynerbury mascot massacre," as in--
Am I missing something?
Whenever Arlen is winning, it's a tradition for the McMaynerbury band...
to charge the Longhorn and give him a pounding!
It's a real crowd-pleaser.
Yeah, man.
Did your dad used to like scoring the touchdown that got Dub Taylor pounded.
Really?
Maybe McMaynerbury will take an early lead...
and hold it for the rest of the game.
- Yeah, that never happens. - McMaynerbury.
Yeah, and maybe I'll file a federal income tax return.
That goes in my big book of "So theres."
lfl get a good action shot of you, I'm willing to dump the model U.N. spread.
Who cares? McMaynerbury's gonna kill me.
I'm a lover, not a... I'm not even a lover.
Then wheel that costume back down to Grandy's office...
and tell him to find himself another punching bag.
Woman, I can't get out of this.
Imagine telling your dad you were quitting violin.
I do. All the time. I hate that violin.
And at the end of the first quarter, McMaynerbury leads 10-to-7.
The Longhorn is safe, for now.
- Bury! - Bury!
- McMayner! - McMayner!
- Bury McMaynerbury! - Bury McMaynerbury!
Hang tough, McMaynerbury.
Longhorns!
Cheer up, Keegan. No shame in losing to a better team.
Hey, those McMaynerbury scrubs are going down, buddy.
- You better get ready for a whupping. - Oh, yeah, totally.
I hope we beat them so bad I get two whuppings!
One more Arlen touchdown, your boy gonna be pinata for marching band!
Man, is that gonna be sweet!
That's funny.
Kahn, who is that taking pictures of your daughter taking pictures of Bobby?
No one, that's who.
Quarterback sneak. Caught them with their pants down!
Touchdown! Arlen take lead!
It's all good.
Hank, tell me what's going on. I can't watch.
- He's history. - Yeah.
BOY: Bobby Hill, get back here!
Wait. No. This is some kind of comedy bit.
He's gonna turn around any second.
Maybe he's just going to the car to get a...
He's gone.
I'm not surprised McMaynerbury won after that happened.
God, I needed to use the restroom...
but I couldn't face the guys at the trough.
There he is.
Whether people were booing or cheering, you got a reaction.
And, by golly, that's what counts.
They should call Bobby "The Lame Horn."
What's he gonna do for the big game against Belton?
Show up in a chicken suit?
[imitating a chicken]
I've got to take my mind off of this.
I'm gonna treat myself to the hardware store.
Hank, Quarterback Keegan Evans' dad runs the paint-shaker.
[School bell ringing]
Well, at least they toned it down.
On the bathroom wall, they went after my family.
Don't worry, Bobby. Even with all the letters...
I won't take your class picture out of the yearbook.
- Nurse Jennings? - Pick them up.
I said pick them up.
Bobby, I'm gonna need you to turn in your keys and your horns.
My office, five minutes.
Longhorns!
I understand you're just a kid. At the same time...
what you did at the game was the most shameful act of cowardice I've ever seen.
Sir, please.
I was born to wear the horns. You can't take them away from me.
I've got a plan. A great plan. And it's gonna work.
- Yeah? What's the plan? - I can't tell you.
- Why not? - It's a secret.
Well, I do love secrets.
You came to see me?
Hang on.
State your purpose.
Mr. Gribble, what would you say if I told you...
I am gonna steal the Belton armadillo tonight?
I would say you're a madman...
or a genius. Maybe a little of both.
I'll go 60-40.
I need someone who knows alarms.
And you've got the most in the neighborhood.
Ever since those swaggering Bouchet brothers stole the armadillo back in '76...
Belton's been keeping it under pretty tight security.
That middle school is impregnable. Cannot be pregnated.
Except by me. But I don't come cheap.
I don't have a lot of money.
Fine. I'll come cheap. You got $5?
- I can get $4. - I'm in.
- Do you need any help? - With what?
ON TV: It's just so great to ha ve you with us again.
It just seems that every time that Julia Roberts is on TV...
it is only to yap about her movie.
Well, I'm headed over to Keegan Evans' house.
Really? But his dad said he hated you.
For what? The running away thing? That's ancient history.
Some of the guys from the team are sleeping over.
So, you won't see me or hear from me until the game tomorrow.
Well, that's great. Now, don't let them tease you too much.
Remember, you're the mascot, not the place-kicker.
Hey, Dad. I was thinking...
maybe you want to invite Dub Taylor to the game.
Dub Taylor? Are you sure?
I want you to hear from him...
that I'm the best mascot since he wore the horns.
Steady.
- What's going on? - I'm reading lips.
There's four kids in there. And tough ones, too.
Don't you have some poisons in your truck you can pump in there...
to make them fall asleep?
I do. But the amount of poison that can put four kids to sleep...
might also kill an armadillo.
And the kids might not wake up.
Well, how are we gonna get the dillo away from four kids?
We're lucky. According to the one they call Dude...
there used to be eight guardians.
The other four went to steal the Longhorn costume...
where they will run into, what...
two dozen oi the baddest-eased eighth-graders protecting the costume?
But I didn't... Nobody said anything about--
Please tell me you at least put up a maze of mirrors...
to thwart the would-be costume-rustlers.
Broken glass?
Oil slick?
Piece of string?
Go! You save the costume. I'll find a parking space.
Go away! The Longhorn is heavily guarded!
BOY: Who's that? Bobby Hill? Come on, guys. We had better go.
Bill, it's Dale.
Guess who's got your cellphone?
Mr. Gribble, help!
How? Be specific, Bobby.
I'm not a mind-reader here.
They're breaking down the door!
Wait for me!
Why don't you just run away like you did at McMaynerbury?
Or, you can stay and take the beating you missed out on.
Yeah.
- What a coward. - It's too bad.
- I wanted to give him a beating. - Yeah!
Peanuts! Get your peanuts!
I think I see Bobby. l...
Wait. No. That's a smudge on my glasses.
Hank, look at this smudge. It looks just like Bobby.
Hey. Daffy Dub!
Over here. You old son of a gun, how was the drive?
This stinking crowd is dead! What is this? Guldang Wimbledon?
[Chanting] Here we go, Longhorns. Here we go!
- What'd I tell you about Dub? - That he has a lot of pep.
That's right.
[Chanting] We are the Landry Men! Fight, fight, fight!
- You got any face paint? - Peggy's got lipstick.
Oh, my God! It's Peggy Platter from West Arlen.
West Arlen sucks!
Well, isn't this ironic?
The best Longhorn ever, and the father of the worst Longhorn ever.
I say that because Bobby was guarding the Longhorn costume last night.
And some kids came to steal it, and he turned tail and ran.
That's impossible. Bobby was sleeping over at Keegan Evans' house.
The sleepover was a cover story. I was with him.
We were trying to steal the Belton armadillo, and long story short...
you raised a coward.
Oh, God!
Wait. You were with him?
Where is he? Where's my baby boy?
Don't worry. Peggy-
He probably camped out in some bushes. No, that takes guts.
He probably spent the night at Denny's.
I drove all the way from Pensacola for this?
I came here for a football game, not a soap opera!
Hey, Landry losers! Where's your Longhorn?
MAN: Our mascot sucks!
That's it!
Let's get out of here before Dub gets back.
- How many days is he staying with us? - Three.
Man, I didn't become a cheerleader to guard a trashcan.
Ouch. Foot asleep.
Okay, Mister Crackers. Nice and easy. Nobody gets hurt.
If anyone yells, "There's Bobby Hill's parents"...
just start to look around, saying, "Where?"
Oh, no! Security!
This way!
Can't touch this! B-E-L-T-O-N.
Go, Belton!
There you are!
All right, kid. Step slowly towards me...
and surrender Mister Crackers.
Yeah, that's right. They'll rip you apart.
BOBBY: Hey, you Belton losers! Look what I found!
Bobby?
Bobby Hill-o got the dillo!
Check it out, Peggy. Bobby's got Mister Crackers.
Bobby's got Mister Crackers!
Bite its face off!
Get him!
You can't get this!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Hey, Bobby Hill!
Longhorns!
Wonderful!
All right, Bobby! Way to go, Son!
Bobby just started a new tradition.
Now we have the McMaynerbury whupping and the Belton beating.
What a great time to be a Longhorn.
We are the Landry Men! Fight, fight, fight!